S.H.A.M.I.N.G

#SharingTuesday

Shaming is not a tool of parenting. If you have been using it, you should consider stopping it.
No matter what a child has done, shaming that child is never a solution. It’s a tool of negative parenting.

Shame is a painful emotion caused by a consciousness of guilt or wrongdoing. Those who use shame want the child to curtail his behaviour through negative thoughts and feelings about himself. 

It’s not focused on the behaviour and its impact but on the child’s image of himself; and the effects are long-lasting.

We don’t want our sons to grow up to become adults who have baggage from the past. We don’t want them to grow without their self-worth intact. We won’t even start with who suffers if a boy or a man has no self-worth but for now shaming is not a tool of parenting.

R. E. S. P. E. C. T.

I bet that we don’t think that parenting boys and respect go together. Yes it goes with marriage, but parenting boys? I’m sure many of us will not agree.
But what if that is the secret to getting the best out of your sons?
What is respect? Respect is about how you treat or think about someone that makes you treat them well. You esteem and approve those you respect.
Is anything wrong with treating our sons in the manner described above? Obviously No!

The following are practical few ways to show respect;
1. See them as God sees them. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Special and unique.
2. Stop attacking your sons’ personalities. Deal with the issue you need to deal with and not their persons. He’s not an idiot and he’s not stupid. He is a child who needs guidance, instructions, discipline and who also needs to face consequences of deviant behaviours, if any.
3. Practise something as simple as knocking his door when he’s old enough to appreciate it.  You will be teaching him that you respect his privacy and you will also be teaching him about boundaries.
4. Listen to him. If you are tired, you can buy time by telling him you are tired and will be able to listen to him when you have rested. Please, ensure you keep to your promise.
5. Do not shame him. Resist the urge to shame him in front of friends and loved ones. He may have really messed up, he probably knows. Help his self esteem by scolding him in private. Also, stop sharing all your communication or interactions with others except he has given you his express permission. Some children don’t enjoy being an object of your teasing or jokes with your friends.

I will like to read your thoughts about this.

God, Keep My Kids Clothed—A Prayer for Compassion

Father God, help my children understand that they are dearly loved by You. May they clothe themselves with compassion—making them willing to suffer with others and help them. May they clothe themselves with kindness, especially to those who are weak or in need. May they dress themselves in humility, developing an obedient and lowly attitude. May they clothes themselves in gentleness, maturing with a polite and restrained behavior. May they clothe themselves with patience, growing up with an attitude of self-control and the willingness to wait on You. May I be an example of these godly traits to them” (based on Colossians 3:12).

Culled from a YouVersion devotional.

Where are the fathers?

I had a very brief converstion with a boy of about 10 or 11 years old. He approached me to clean the wind shield of my car during a brief traffic stop at Bori Camp junction in Port Harcourt.

I declined his offer to clean the windshield so, he asked that I give him money to buy food. You see, I am always curious about the boys who clean windshields or just loiter around in major busstops and along major roads selling wares in traffic. So, I asked about his parents and he said he doesn’t have. It was just him and his brother who was somewhere down the road that live together.

He said something that touched me. He said if I have a father, I won’t be here. We didn’t talk long enough for me to ask whether his parents were dead or unavailable but one thing is sure, that boy had no parental supervision.

There are many fathers who are alive but missing from the lives of their children. They fail to show up for their children in school, at home and in the society in general. The only contribution they have in their children’s lives is just the seeds donated before conception.

We all have to make a difference in the next generation by teaching our sons to be responsible from their young age. Teach your sons to be responsible for their younger ones within their capacity. Praise them generously if they went out of their way to care for their little ones- siblings or cousins within or outside the home.

Even if they have not had the best example at home, they can learn from you through positive reinforcement when they have demonstrated responsibility no matter how little.

Not held back by fear!

But we are certainly not those who are held back by fear and perish; we are among those who have faith and experience true life!

Hebrews 10:39 TPT

I saw the scriptural verse above this morning and I’m completely drawn to it.

This is my prayer that we and our sons and daughters will not be held down by fear and perish. We will be in the company of those who have faith and experience true life in Jesus name amen.

My thoughts on meekness.

It’s been a while since I posted anything here. Let me start by wishing all who visit here a lovely and prosperous 2018 for you and your sons. I may have been quiet here but I have been more active on the Facebook group that I run for parents of boys. It used to be strictly for mums of boys up until the beginning of this year.

I post about prayers once a week on the Facebook group because I believe that prayer is one effective way to parent successfully. In prayer, you connect with the One who created your sons and download the best way to raise them. Wisdom, strength and guidance are made available when we pray.

Our prayer this week was about meekness. It was a struggle before I posted it because we live in a world where being bold, courageous, being able to stand up for ourself and being assertive are qualities that many of us desire for our sons as they navigate through life. I felt exhibiting meekness was not in line with what I was trying to teach my sons. But I was wrong because meekness is God’s desire for us and meekness is not weakness.

Meekness is having all those qualities I had described above- boldness, assertiveness, confidence etc under the control of the Holy Spirit. It’s strength under control. Meekness will know I have the power to do something or react in a particular way but I choose to humble myself. I choose to live a life under God’s influence and control.

This is what I desire for my sons. To be bold, courageous, to be able to stand for themselves, to be assertive. Not weak and subdued. Above all, my prayer is that they will be meek. They will be humble and submit to the Holy Spirit. I pray they will be meek and not weak.

 

To spank, beat, flog or not

I am not writing this as an expert. I am only going to share what I have learnt and what I am learning on this journey. I know in part…1Cor 13:9.

Some swear by spanking as the best form of discipline while some on the other hand totally condemn it. Those who are for it quote Prov 23:13-14…….if you beat him with the rod, he will not die, Prov 29:15 and the commonest one Prov 13:24 spare the rod……These verses are part of the justifications for those who believe in spanking. Interestingly, some people believe that the rod in Proverbs is referring to the Word of God. Their explanation is that we are supposed to train our children with God’s word and not the physical rod. For them, the rod connotes the Word of God

God told us to train up our children in the way of the Lord. Training involves teaching and giving instructions. I believe training should be deliberate and also something we do as the need arises. In fact, we should seize every opportunity to train, instruct and teach. It should involve planning and preparation for it to be effective. To train is to discipline. Discipline is also punishment to correct bad behaviour but we tend to focus more on punishment and that is where I have problem with spanking.

Beating or spanking is a lazy way of parenting. It is very easy to beat and more difficult to train because training takes effort and time. One thing we need to realise is that you do not have a right to punish your son for a behaviour until you have instructed him previously about the behaviour and you have also extended grace to him. It is difficult but I believe at the long run and especially in this generation, having the time to parent our sons will yield a positive result more than bringing out the rod, cane or belt to beat or flog each time they misbehave.

My position about beating is summarised below;

1. It should be done out of love if you must and if you have to.
2. It should be minimal and controlled.
3. It shouldn’t be done out of anger.
4. It should be used as the last resort when all else has failed.
5. If you live in a country where beating is not allowed, don’t be a law breaker.

It is important that we put effort in parenting our sons. To train them up in the way they should go so they can become who God has created them to be.

Why are you shouting?

When my 1st son was much younger probably before he turned 3 years old. He used to ask his grandma – my mum anytime she raised her voice, ‘Grandma, why are you shouting?’ He used to ask the question very innocently. Rewind back to when I was much younger, I and my siblings used to tease my mum about our grandma. She could shout for Africa and we sincerely hoped my mum wouldn’t learn to shout like her mum. Your guess is as good as mine whether that hope was dashed or not.

Fast forward to decades later, I have unconsciously become a yeller – is that not what they call it now?

I once read that people shout when there is a wall separating them. Those whose hearts are knitted, with no wall standing between them only need to whisper. So, if you are shouting, does it mean there is a wall between and your children or spouse as the case may be? Wall could be your lack of understanding of how to communicate with that son. Are you really listening to him? Because by listening, you will understand your and know the best way to communicate with him. Sometimes, you may need to cast down every imaginations and every high thing in the place of prayer to be able to communicate effectively.

It’s important we mind the way we use our words on our sons and daughters because our words have tremendous power to break or make them. The people of Solomon Islands understands this. I read that to fell a great tree, they yell on the tree daily and after 30 days of cursing and yelling enough negative energy would have been generated to bring the tree down. I don’t know how true the story about Solomon Islands is but one thing is sure yelling is counter productive to you and your sons.

If you have trained them to only obey you when you have yelled, please re-train them to obey you while you are whispering. You don’t have to raise your voice to prove any point.

I am going to start a no yelling challenge with my boys. No yelling, just talking and whispering…lol. Who will join me?

 

When I had a flat tyre

So, sometimes last week, I had a flat tyre early in the morning right in front of my sons’ school. The car couldn’t be moved to the nearest place where I could fix the tyre. I was with my friend and colleague. We dropped our children in their classes and came back to the car. We try to see if there was anyone who could help us change the tyre and after waiting for few minutes, I told my friend that I wanted to change the tyre. We brought out the spare tyre and the tools.You see, I hadn’t changed a tyre before but I was willing to give it a try. In fact, I believed that I could do it.

I also realised more importantly that no one was going to stop and help two ladies who were stranded at almost 7 in the morning if they refused to help themselves.

Then, there were people who didn’t think we should be changing tyres. Generally in life, there will be people who think you cannot or should not do whatever you have set your heart to do. They are everywhere, quick to discourage you from doing what you planned to do and some actually meant well. You just keep your eyes away from the distractions. Get your focus on God. Keep your eyes on the final outcome.

Good thing was that we got a help. A gentleman offered to help us. Two colleagues also stopped to lend helping hands. They didn’t give up when the flat tyre was difficult to be removed because of a safety measure applied to keep it more secure.

Another key lesson is that you will most likely not get a help if you refused to lift a finger. You need to start doing something about your issues. Have you prayed about them? You need to show up ready to use the help God has prepared for you.

You need the right tools which may translate to the right skill sets, right mindset, right attitude etc.

Be kind to everyone. You will never know whose help you will need tomorrow. The gentleman who came to assist us was encouraged or permitted to do so by his employer who he works for as a driver. I am not sure we had spoken to each other before that day but that didn’t prevent her from helping us.

Why is this on Raising Boys? Apart from the lessons we could all learn from my story, mums of boys, let your boys learn to change tyres…lol. Seriously? Yes. Dads of boys who can change tyres, let the boys help when next you want to do it. Teach the boys to be handy. It will come handy. Have you had a similar experience? Please share.

STEREOTYPES, CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS AND OUR DOUBLE STANDARDS

This double standard has nothing to do with whether the man is educated, enlightened or not. From the akara and roasted corn seller who is doing everything to put food on the table in her home with…

Source: STEREOTYPES, CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS AND OUR DOUBLE STANDARDS