Today, I will like to encourage women who are striving to raise sons in a less than an ideal situation/environment. You want to raise the perfect gentlemen who is also in love with Jesus but the main character in […]When you are raising sons in a toxic environment
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God has kept us through the turbulent year 2020 and has brought us to a brand new year. A new year gives us another opportunity to start again, to dream, to set goals and to pursue them.
As you set those goals, let intentional and positive parenting make the cut. Make up your mind to take care of your sons and set them up for success. The world is evil but you can raise children who will be light to their generations.
God bless us richly. May this year be the best year yet.
I truly care.
One of the things I do apart from what I have written on my profile is raising my sons and sharing with other parents as much as I can about the need to raise boys intentionally. Why boys? Because I have two boys. Because a lot is being done to raise girls and empower them; and because we need to do better to raise boys intentionally so that all our handwork with raising and empowering girls will yield better results. We all need both genders to be wholesome.
Some days are a bit challenging but one thing I am very sure of is that I am their mother and the best one for them. I have all it takes to direct them in the path they should follow.
Like all worthy ventures, I need to assess what I’m doing, plan, act, pause, act and start all over again to reassess.
Some days are easy peasy lemon squeezy. I get lots of hugs, pecks and mum ‘you are the best in the whole world’. Whatever the case is, I know raising them intentionally is not debatable.
So, help me God!
Shaming is not a tool of parenting. If you have been using it, you should consider stopping it.
No matter what a child has done, shaming that child is never a solution. It’s a tool of negative parenting.
Shame is a painful emotion caused by a consciousness of guilt or wrongdoing. Those who use shame want the child to curtail his behaviour through negative thoughts and feelings about himself.
It’s not focused on the behaviour and its impact but on the child’s image of himself; and the effects are long-lasting.
We don’t want our sons to grow up to become adults who have baggage from the past. We don’t want them to grow without their self-worth intact. We won’t even start with who suffers if a boy or a man has no self-worth but for now shaming is not a tool of parenting.
I bet that we don’t think that parenting boys and respect go together. Yes it goes with marriage, but parenting boys? I’m sure many of us will not agree.
But what if that is the secret to getting the best out of your sons?
What is respect? Respect is about how you treat or think about someone that makes you treat them well. You esteem and approve those you respect.
Is anything wrong with treating our sons in the manner described above? Obviously No!
The following are practical few ways to show respect;
1. See them as God sees them. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Special and unique.
2. Stop attacking your sons’ personalities. Deal with the issue you need to deal with and not their persons. He’s not an idiot and he’s not stupid. He is a child who needs guidance, instructions, discipline and who also needs to face consequences of deviant behaviours, if any.
3. Practise something as simple as knocking his door when he’s old enough to appreciate it. You will be teaching him that you respect his privacy and you will also be teaching him about boundaries.
4. Listen to him. If you are tired, you can buy time by telling him you are tired and will be able to listen to him when you have rested. Please, ensure you keep to your promise.
5. Do not shame him. Resist the urge to shame him in front of friends and loved ones. He may have really messed up, he probably knows. Help his self esteem by scolding him in private. Also, stop sharing all your communication or interactions with others except he has given you his express permission. Some children don’t enjoy being an object of your teasing or jokes with your friends.
I will like to read your thoughts about this.
Father God, help my children understand that they are dearly loved by You. May they clothe themselves with compassion—making them willing to suffer with others and help them. May they clothe themselves with kindness, especially to those who are weak or in need. May they dress themselves in humility, developing an obedient and lowly attitude. May they clothes themselves in gentleness, maturing with a polite and restrained behavior. May they clothe themselves with patience, growing up with an attitude of self-control and the willingness to wait on You. May I be an example of these godly traits to them” (based on Colossians 3:12).
Culled from a YouVersion devotional.
I had a very brief converstion with a boy of about 10 or 11 years old. He approached me to clean the wind shield of my car during a brief traffic stop at Bori Camp junction in Port Harcourt.
I declined his offer to clean the windshield so, he asked that I give him money to buy food. You see, I am always curious about the boys who clean windshields or just loiter around in major busstops and along major roads selling wares in traffic. So, I asked about his parents and he said he doesn’t have. It was just him and his brother who was somewhere down the road that live together.
He said something that touched me. He said if I have a father, I won’t be here. We didn’t talk long enough for me to ask whether his parents were dead or unavailable but one thing is sure, that boy had no parental supervision.
There are many fathers who are alive but missing from the lives of their children. They fail to show up for their children in school, at home and in the society in general. The only contribution they have in their children’s lives is just the seeds donated before conception.
We all have to make a difference in the next generation by teaching our sons to be responsible from their young age. Teach your sons to be responsible for their younger ones within their capacity. Praise them generously if they went out of their way to care for their little ones- siblings or cousins within or outside the home.
Even if they have not had the best example at home, they can learn from you through positive reinforcement when they have demonstrated responsibility no matter how little.
One of the things that can keep a boy out of trouble is for him to hide God’s word in his heart. The best way to start is to read the Bible together with your sons, committing verses from where you read to memory with them.
I can still remember the memory verses that I learnt when I was a child. They have come handy when I need them. Remember, when you train a child in the way he should go, when he grows older, he will not depart from that way. Remember also that a young man can only keep his way pure by living according to God’s word.
Below are few verses that you can start learning with your sons from today.
- ‘In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. ‘ Genesis 1:1
‘Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful.’ Psalm 1:1
‘The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.’ Psalms 23:1
- ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;’ Proverbs 3:5
- ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. ‘ John 3:16
- ‘“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep. ‘ John 10:11
- ‘Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. ‘ John 11:25
- ‘for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ‘ Romans 3:23
- ‘Love is patient, love is kind, it isn’t jealous, it doesn’t brag, it isn’t arrogant, ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4
- ‘Jesus answered and said to him, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.”’ John 3:3
I suggest you learn one per week and if you need to be accountable, please let me know in the comment section.
But we are certainly not those who are held back by fear and perish; we are among those who have faith and experience true life!
Hebrews 10:39 TPT
I saw the scriptural verse above this morning and I’m completely drawn to it.
This is my prayer that we and our sons and daughters will not be held down by fear and perish. We will be in the company of those who have faith and experience true life in Jesus name amen.
There is a difference between saying a thing and believing or living the reality of it. There is a popular saying that there is dignity in labour. We expect everyone to work with their hands and earn a honest wage but do we really ascribe dignity to certain works or jobs? This is a question for everyone especially those who are raising sons.
No one should be treated poorly or be made to be ashamed of what they have to do to put food on their table or cloth on their back. I am definitely not referring to things people do to dispossess others of their hard-earned money. Anyone doing fraud or fraud related hustling should desist from it. There is no dignity in that.
But if you must do odd jobs – cleaning, driving taxi, labour, whatever it is to earn a living honestly, please do it with pride. You are not a thief or a cheat so, you don’t need to be ashamed.
Hear what Martin Luther King, Jr wrote about work or labour;
All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.